Question:
Hello Jeffery,
My wife and I have now been married for over a year, and it has been wonderful. We have, of course, already faced life’s challenges, but I genuinely feel that we have overcome them only by the grace of God and the strength that the Lord gives us through His Word. We make each other laugh every day, and she is truly my friend. I am very grateful that she is my wife, and I know she has drawn me closer to God. She inspires me every day.
I am seeking guidance and advice. Previously, you advised me not to have expectations of how intercourse would go, and I am grateful for that because it certainly did not work right away. It took both of us time to experiment and figure out what we liked sexually and what worked for us. But for the past year or so, intercourse has gone well for the most part. There have been times when I was not able to get hard enough for intercourse for all kinds of reasons (not feeling physically comfortable, overthinking, not being in the moment, etc.). She was very supportive and understanding when that did happen. But for the most part, it has been wonderful. We have not limited ourselves to intercourse and have participated in oral sex as well.
What has become apparent, however, in the past month or so is that we are in a season where we have different sex drives at the moment. We have had sex only three times in the past month. We had both gotten used to having sex at least once a week, but usually 2-3 times a week. There are a couple of reasons for this: 1) The first week, she was not that interested in sex because she felt like she was fighting off a yeast infection, and told me that is why her sex drive was low. 2) She was out of town for a few days on a planned trip we had, so she was not home. 3) I flew out to meet her (we flew at separate times due to my work), and on our second night together on our trip, we had sex, which was wonderful. A few days later, she confirmed that she had a yeast infection and had to take medication that required her to not be sexually active for seven days after she had finished the medication.
It has been ten days since we last had sex. We are waiting for the seven days after she has finished with the medication, which should be in a few more days. I have not masturbated and have refrained from ejaculation thus far for two reasons: 1) I know my wife is also missing sexual intimacy and I feel like I should refrain in solidarity with her since she can’t have any sexual activity; 2) I know that if I decide to masturbate and ejaculate without her, I’d feel guilty becase I’m filling my sexual needs without her. But with my sexual desire rising and seeing her naked every night in the shower, I have asked her at least twice in the past month if she could go down on me (ie, oral sex), and she has turned it down each time. We’ve discussed how I will always leave it up to her when I ask, because I want my wife to want to do it. This morning, I asked her if she could “take care of me” while I was on my lunch break (I’ve shared with her that this has been a long-held fantasy of mine, and we’ve discussed doing it one day). She said that her mom, who lives with us, would need to be gone, and I was admittedly disappointed, and my body language reflected that. She didn’t appreciate that reaction from me, and I think rightly so. She let me know that it made her feel bad, and that she should not feel bad. Keeping Ephesians 5 in mind, I apologized for making her feel bad and for being pushy, told her that she didn’t need to feel bad, and thanked her for letting me know how my actions affected her.
As I considered the events of this morning, I thought that it was ironic because if I did masturbate and ejaculate, it would lower my sexual desire and sex drive. It would help me achieve more self-control than I showed this morning. In this answer you gave in 2017 about if masturbating was lack of self-control, you said “The production of semen in a healthy male is continual, so to argue that a man ejaculating because he ran out of room to store semen and doesn’t have access to his wife is somehow cheating on her is false because he will still be able to have sex when he reunites with her.” So there is a part of me that tells myself that I should go ahead and control my sex drive by masturbating only when my wife is not available to me, either due to distance, illness, or when she is on her period. This part of me tells me I should deal with the realities of being male.
The other part of me is aligned with the response you gave to this question from 2006, “My wife no longer has a desire for sex. What do I do?” You said, “The real measure of a man, though, is your strength in the face of obstacles.” You then go on to cite Philippians 4:11-13, with which I agree. You also mentioned that “…while our sex drive is strong, it doesn’t mean it must dominate our lives. ‘But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified‘ (I Corinthians 9:27).” This part of me is telling myself that I should control myself until I am reunited with my wife once she can have sex. I should refrain from masturbating and endure the rising sexual desires and redirect that energy elsewhere. A relationship can have non-sexual intimacy, and this part of me is trying to focus on our connection and relationship that we have that is outside of sex, which is awesome! It feels like I married my best friend. We talked about this when we were dating and engaged: We can have intimacy with each other without it having to be sexual.
However, I also know that I can focus on those aspects of non-sexual intimacy all I want, but it’s not going to take away the need for ejaculation. It makes me think about when Paul says, “For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do” (Galatians 5:17).
The answer you gave in 2006 mentions that “Even if it (sexual activity) is not possible, the male body will take care of itself through nocturnal emissions.” I can’t remember the last time I had a wet dream. I have no idea how long I would have to go without ejaculating before I would have one, if I can have them at all. I also think that once we have kids, that is going to change things as far as how often we have sexual intimacy. And even when she is pregnant, she may not want to have sex. I know that also, women generally tend to need several weeks, if not longer, after they give birth. If I don’t masturbate during these times, I may end up finding out how long it takes for me to have a wet dream during that time, though I know I’m going to go crazy.
What my questions come down to is this: Should a husband listen to his body and control his sexual desires by masturbating and ejaculating when his wife is not available for sexual activity? Or should he refrain for however long it takes for a wet dream to occur so that it becomes an involuntary act, or for his wife to be up for sexual activity again?
I know you may not have a clear “yes” or “no” answer for me, but any guidance or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Answer:
I think you missed the point in “My wife no longer has a desire for sex. What do I do?” I pointed out that all men spend a period of their lives not having sexual intercourse, and they manage to survive it. During those times, men ejaculate through wet dreams or masturbation. These are not as thrilling as sexual intercourse, but they do keep the sex drive under control. Thus, if he was able to do it in the past, he can use the same techniques at present when his wife is unable to desire sex. The biggest danger is that men often will get caught up in lust and pornography because they start chasing the pleasure instead of seeing this as taking care of the need. It is this aspect of your body that needs to be brought under control.
For example, if your wife wasn’t available to cook, you would not assume you need to go without eating to demonstrate how much you love her cooking. The body’s needs should be managed appropriately without letting them dominate your life. Going without eating would likely result in you losing your self-control as you become more desperate to eat. In the same way, trying to tough it out without ejaculating could lead to a loss of self-control.
I’m unable to tell you what your limits might be. I’m only suggesting that if you are finding your self-control slipping, then you need to manage your body by relieving yourself.
One of the difficulties husbands and wives have is assuming that the other person sees the situation in the same way. While women enjoy sex, they don’t have a physical component to their sexual desire. Many women can do without sex for long periods, so they don’t understand why men don’t act the same. Conversely, men have a strong desire for sex when their seminal vesicles get full. If wet dreams don’t happen (and not every man has wet dreams), that desire rises until instinct takes over. They don’t understand why their wives don’t see how desperate they are to ejaculate, and so they blame their wives for not caring. What is needed is some open discussions about your views of sex and your frequency of need. “The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command” (I Corinthians 7:3-6).
There are ways to have sexual intimacy that do not require intercourse. Discuss with your wife what the two of you can do when you need relief. You are correct that there will always be times when your wife will not be available for sex: trips, illness, exhaustion, etc. The practical solution is to manage your needs just enough to get through those periods. What you want to avoid is using masturbation as a way to avoid your duty to your spouse.
One last point: you mention not wanting to make your wife feel bad. No husband should set out to make his wife unhappy. However, people are people. There will be times when your wife makes a poor choice, and you’ll be disappointed. Open communication is necessary to convey your perspective on the situation. It must be worded gently and with proper concern, but hiding your feelings about the matter or pretending that you are fine with a bad choice is not good for a marriage.