Question:
Good evening.
My husband and I are members of the Lord’s church, but we are suffering, and I just don’t know what to do. He has a powerful addiction to his electronics, his cell phone, Xbox, and iPad. He spends all day, every day, on them for years now, watching every sport known to man, so he says. Over the months, he has lost all sexual and mental attraction to me. He refuses to be affectionate with me or have sex with me. It has been months since the last time he touched me, and if I go and try to flirt with him, he pushes me away. We are in our mid-twenties and have been married for less than five years. I gained a little weight after having our son, but not a whole lot, so I’m not sure if that’s it or not. Not to sound conceited, but I am very attractive, so it’s tough for me to understand what I’m doing wrong and why he no longer wants me. It’s almost like he has turned gay now. I always pray for God to turn him into a good husband and father, but it’s just getting worse.
He is very mean to me. I know that most of the time, the woman in the relationship can push her husband away, but he acknowledges that he is wrong and mean to me all the time; however, he simply does not care enough to change. He knows exactly what he is doing, admits it, and all. It is almost like he is proud of his power over me, and he feeds off my sadness. I am very happy-go-lucky and can hide pain very well, so I’m not gloomy all the time or anything like that. I always make sure he cannot see me cry, but I still express my feelings toward him.
His addiction to his electronics is so strong, and he has become so bitter and cold toward our infant and me that he does not even care to read God’s word.
I want to tell someone at church, but I know it will upset my husband, and our church is very young and new with no elders, and I’m not even sure they will know what to do. I still wish they could at least pray for us, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell them how bad it really is. I don’t know what to do. I really wish my son and I could just go to heaven right now and not live like this anymore. I tell myself that at the end of my suffering, God will reward me, but it is getting so hard to live with and bear. I want to fast for a few weeks and pray for a miracle, but I just cannot do it with a baby to take care of and my family lives many states away, so I can’t ask them for help. The last time I fasted, all I could do was lie there. I was so weak. The situation in my home is worse than I can describe in this letter.
I am so sad and very alone. Please help me.
Answer:
There is little that I can do without talking with both you and your husband. That something is seriously wrong is clear. I would strongly recommend finding someone to counsel both of you.
Let me point out that men have a physical need for sex, and women have an emotional need for sex. A man’s body produces semen constantly that needs to be released periodically. It is a physical need, much like when your bladder becomes full. A man cannot mentally ignore it. So when someone tells me that a husband has lost all interest in sex, it means he is using some other means to ejaculate. That could be pornography, adultery, homosexuality, etc. It could be a physical ailment or a side-effect of some drug he is taking. However, without him saying so, it would be mere guesswork, and to solve the problem, what is going on needs to be known.
Regarding your own suffering, the situation is not good, but you are being overly dramatic about it. You survived quite well before your husband came along, so I know you can continue to survive as he deals with his issues. Consider too that many women have lost their husbands and have chosen to remain unmarried and manage to survive quite well. The situation isn’t ideal, but it isn’t a life-or-death situation, as you’re making it out to be. Your husband has problems. He needs help.